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A Red Neck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Light Beer",
There was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere".
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night
He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A "bud lite
Author Unknown
"Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on 5th Avenue – those are for next year."
--Dave Letterman
In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.
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